#14
Michael Stivic, Center, 1974-1978
Michael was a simple man, a 4.0 student and forever regretful of the turns his life had taken since the end of college basketball, when marriage and a broken leg prevented him from playing in the NBA.
Michael married WSC cheerleader Jenny. He mistakenly asked her to marry him after he got drunk. He has two children: Beverly, a promiscuous dumb blonde, and Riddell, an intelligent but perpetual horny and unpopular schemer named after a brand of football equipment. Michael lives in Farr West and is the proud owner of a 1970s Dodge automobile. He currently works as a shoe salesman at Gary's Shoes and Accessories for Today's Woman in the New Gate Mall. Michael hates his job, has lost it several times throughout his career, yet always ends up coming back to it.
There is a running joke throughout the mall that Michael makes minimum-wage. However, Michael once was offered early retirement and given a year's pay: $12,000, yet he says that after taxes and Jenny's spending he only gets one nickel out of every paycheck.
Michael is disliked by his neighborhood. Neighbor Marsha Darsha said that when they thought Michael had died, they all started dancing and singing "Ding Dong, the shoe man's dead" and called it a "cruel, cruel hoax" when they learned it was a false alarm — as usual, Michael had survived his latest misadventure.
Michael dislikes fat women and repeatedly insults them to their faces with one-liners, a behavior he has engaged in since he was a high school player in Missoula. He also hates his job, the prospect of having sex with his wife, his feminist neighbor Marsha, and the French. He loves nudie magazines, free beer, bowling and "nudie" bars, and often cherishes the glory moment of his past: scoring four 3-pointers "in a single minute" in the 1977 Big Sky championship game versus Gonzaga, including the game-winning dunk over his old nemesis, "Spare Tire" Tinkle.